He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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