Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
