I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
