i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
