I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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