But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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