I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
