Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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