I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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