bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
