My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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