First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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