so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
