my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
