Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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