Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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