I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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