i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
