I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
