Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
