I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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