i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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