If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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