somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
