You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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