is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
