Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
