I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
