"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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