so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The power of my boobs compel you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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