we're chasing vodka with high fives
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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