FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
