i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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