My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
