I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
