When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
