i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
