Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
