you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
