barbara walters just said penis...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
