i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
