He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You don't make any sense
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