he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
