Need sex. Gaining weight.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
