I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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