Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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