It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
