remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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