Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
