Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
