Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
