Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think my fart just growled at me.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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