I didn't shave. On purpose
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize