Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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