It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
