god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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