Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
