Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
