i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
