walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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