why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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