matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
